Whatever Happened To: The Cast of Hey Dude

Most of my "Whatever Happened To" ideas stem from TV shows I watched growing up, and I was recently thinking that there probably aren't too many left to cover. As I was contemplating what might be a good candidate, a friend happened to post on Facebook how it was the 29th anniversary of the debut of Hey Dude. The show premiered in 1989 and ran for five seasons, a total of 65 episodes.

This show was a bit of an outlier for Nickelodeon, marking only its second live-action series (a format which would prove successful for other shows, including Clarissa Explains It All). It followed the misadventures of the staff at the Bar None Dude Ranch near Tucson, Arizona. Fittingly enough, the show was also filmed near Tucson, and the ruins of the set can still be visited today.

I remember being somewhat underwhelmed by Hey Dude, maybe because it was geared toward more of an older audience. The comments on the YouTube video for the theme song suggest that this is a pretty common occurrence. The humor was fairly tame ("Ha ha, that guy got pushed into a trough!"), its characters and plot lines weren't too memorable, and the theme song was probably the best thing about it.

But it was still entertaining enough for a kid to while away a half-hour on a lazy summer day. And a surprisingly thorough recap site often has good things to say about the actors and episodes.

So what happened to these folks?

David Brisbin (Benjamin Ernst)

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Mr. Ernst was always a bit of a bumbling fool, so I was a bit surprised to read his origin story on Wikipedia. Apparently he was a high-powered New York City accountant who decided to change gears in middle age and buy a dude ranch in the West, supposedly to have a more relaxing profession. He was a divorcee whose son came to live on the ranch at the beginning of the series. Despite being a bit out of his element in running the ranch, he still cared about his workers and did his best to support them.

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David Brisbin, now 66, has continued to act since Hey Dude. He's had small roles in a number of popular TV shows, including Seinfeld, Home Improvement, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and The X-Files, as well as a recurring role as Dr. Alexander Babcock on ER. Brisbin has also scored credits on movies such as Forrest Gump and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, and acted extensively in theatrical productions.

Kelly Brown (Brad Taylor)

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Hailing from a wealthy family in Michigan, Bradley was a riding instructor at the Bar None Ranch. The show moved away from the "snobby rich girl" persona by portraying her as competent and hardworking, even a little tomboyish (her nickname being short for Bradley), although she sometimes let a bit of haughtiness slip through. Brad was often at odds with Ted, though there was also a bit of romantic tension between the two.

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Hey Dude was Kelly Brown's only acting credit, although she worked in modeling before the show. She went on to marry her childhood sweetheart and have four kids. Brown now lives in Montauk, New York, and owns the clothing boutique store Kelly B.

David Lascher (Ted McGriff)

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A senior staffer at the ranch, Ted was usually hatching some scheme or another which usually wound up getting him and his fellow ranchers in trouble. He had a bit of a love-hate relationship with Brad which, if I remember correctly, leaned pretty heavy toward the "hate" end of the spectrum; still, Ted was a good-hearted fellow who earned a kiss from his rival after a surprisingly good date with her. Ted took a brief hiatus from the show when his character was required to attend summer school, but later returned to the ranch.

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David Lascher, now 46, had a successful career as a young actor in the 90s, including as the romantic interest of the title characters of both Blossom and Sabrina the Teenage Witch. He's been less active as an actor since then, having only a handful of credits in the 21st century, but also tried his hand at other roles by writing, directing, and producing the 2014 film Sister. He's active on Instagram and Twitter, where he describes himself as an actor/writer/director, but at this point he seems to be simply enjoying time with his family.

Jonathan Galkin (Jake Decker)

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Mr. Ernst's nephew, Jake Decker was introduced in the third season as a sarcastic surfer slacker who enjoyed playing the drums. He was portrayed as being fairly smart despite his spaced out persona, and aspired to be a writer.

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Aside from Hey Dude, Jonathan Galkin's only acting role was on another Nickelodeon show, Way Cool. After attending New York University, Galkin entered the business of music production. Now 46, he co-founded the label DFA Records in 2001 (originally entitled Death From Above before the 9/11 attacks quickly resulted in an abbreviated name) and continues to work there today. While the label represents a number of artists, LCD Soundsystem is arguably their biggest client.

Geoffrey Koy (Kyle)

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Introduced at the end of the third season, Kyle was the handsome if somewhat dimwitted son of Lucy's ex-boyfriend. He proved useful around the ranch and also wound up finding himself attracted to Brad, setting up a bit of a romantic rivalry with Ted once he returned. The good folks over at TV Tropes posit that Kyle was brought in for this reason after there wasn't too much chemistry between Brad and Jake.

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Geoffrey Coy was another cast member who opted out of acting after the show concluded. He attended business school at Baylor University and began a career in the medical and biopharmaceutical industry. According to his LinkedIn page, he has been working at the pharmaceutical company BTG International for the past five years and is the company's vice president of sales and marketing.

Debrah Kalman (Lucy)

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The only adult staffer seen at the Bar None Ranch other than Mr. Ernst, Lucy was portrayed as being much more knowledgeable about ranching and vastly more competent. She was something of a background character, though; in the episode guide, she's the main focus of only one plot (in which she's thinking about getting married).

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According to Debrah Kalman's IMDB page, she now goes by the name Debi and has branched out from acting a fair amount. In addition to opening a few restaurants with her husband, she became a teacher at age 53 and continued this career for eight years. Now living in Florida, she has started acting and modeling again. She most recently starred in the film At the End of the Day and will appear in the upcoming picture #Snapped.

Christine Taylor (Melody Hanson)

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Melody was the ranch's lifeguard and had a notably sunny personality. A few episode subplots even revolved around whether she'd be able to keep up this friendliness in the face of certain annoyances, or if people were taking advantage of her kindness. Despite this character trait, Melody and Brad often had a more contentious relationship and sparred over various issues.

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Perhaps the most well-known of all the Hey Dude alumni, Christine Taylor is still acting. She might be best known as the wife of Ben Stiller, having appeared with him in comedies such as Zoolander and Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, although the couple separated in 2017 after 17 years of marriage. Taylor's other roles include Marcia Brady in the Brady Bunch movies and Sally Sitwell in Arrested Development. Now 47, she'll be appearing in the upcoming film Friendsgiving.

Joe Torres (Danny Lightfoot)

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Danny generally acted as the voice of reason in the series, frequently trying to warn Ted, Mr. Ernst, and others away from unsound ideas. He was also portrayed as a talented artist, and a few episodes involved his Hopi Indian heritage.

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Joe Torres stayed off the grid after Hey Dude (his only acting credit), which may have helped fuel rumors that he drank himself into an early grave. He failed to show at a reunion in 2014, where series writer Alan Goodman acknowledged that his whereabouts are pretty much unknown despite some casual efforts by the cast to stay in touch with each other. Other rumors suggest that he became a pool shark in the Tuscon area or a used car salesman in New Jersey. A Facebook page purportedly run by Torres seems to back up the former theory, although its origin seems pretty dubious.

Josh Tygiel (Buddy Ernst)

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The title screen for Buddy is all you really need to know how much of a fish out of water he is. After all, he's at a dude ranch with some colorful 90s duds, a skateboard, and a Mets cap. Buddy generally eschews the ranch activities in favor of things like comic books and magic tricks, and wasn't too happy to be at the Bar None. However, some episodes showed him finding aspects of ranch life to enjoy, becoming attached to a horse in one storyline and falling for Melody in another.

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I kind of love that Josh Tygiel's LinkedIn page matter-of-factly includes his time on Hey Dude ("Actor - Nickelodeon"). The show proved to be his only acting credit, although he included drama in his college studies. After completing his education, Tygiel started working as an investigator and writer/editor of due diligence and business history reports for hedge funds and private equity industries. He's been in this line of work for close to 20 years, and lives in the Pacific Northwest with his wife and children.

The Top 10 Villains of "Stranger Things"

It's been awhile since I posted an entry in this blog, and I wanted to do something relatively short and sweet. Somehow the idea of a villain ranking for the Netflix sci-fi series Stranger Things popped into my mind, and here we are.

Stranger Things has done a great job of developing its characters, and quite a few of them are portrayed as having a mix of good and bad qualities. Dustin's a lovable goofball, but he's not above covering up for an otherworldly pet who turns out to be more hostile than he expects. And who doesn't love Season 2 Steve, now that he's matured from the complete douchebag he was at the start of the series?

So these are the characters that seem to have more bad than good in them. Let's see how they rank (spoilers ahead):

10. The Demogorgon

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Yes, the rampaging monster from the first season is barely on the list, even though it probably killed Nancy's best friend and sparked all those #JusticeForBarb posts. Because when it comes down to it, the Demogorgon is just some creature from an alternate dimension who wound up doing what it always does, just in our world. There was recently a giant uproar in my city because a coyote wandered out of the woods and snacked on a few small dogs; no one really blamed the coyote for doing this, everyone was just advised to not let their highly edible toy dogs run free. I kind of see the Demogorgon as having a similar nature.

9. Dart

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Dart is kind of a similar case. You could even argue that he's not as bad as the Demogorgon. After all, he's fairly harmless when he's a tadpole, and Dustin managed to tame him enough that he opts not to harm him and the others later in the film. You may even feel a little sorry for him when he dies.

On the other hand, I'm a cat person and Dart rather brutally kills Mews, Dustin's cat. Not cool, Dart.

8. Troy's weasel friend

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He has a name? Fine. James.

James is your typical middle school jerk who likes to pick on others, which in Stranger Things includes Mike, Dustin, Will, and Lucas. He basically serves as the backup and reinforcement for Troy's nastier brand of bullying, but shows at least some moral compass when he protests Troy's demand that Mike jump off a cliff. He's perfectly fine with Troy threatening to carve Dustin's teeth out of his head, though. Reign in those boundaries a little more, James.

7. Billy Hargrove

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I originally had Billy, Max's jerkwad stepbrother, set much higher on the list. His character acts like someone turned his persona to "Asshole" and then broke the dial off. He's cocky, domineering, and abusive. There are times when he's disturbingly violent, such as when he nearly runs down Mike and friends with his car and when he gleefully beats Steve unconscious.

I'm cutting him a bit of slack, though, since one scene suggests that some of his personality stems from his father's mistreatment. There's also the possibility that nearly getting castrated by a nail-studded baseball bat will humble him a bit in the third season.

6. Troy's mom

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We only see Troy's mother once, when she makes a ruckus at the Hawkins Police Department about how they need to find the girl who broke her son's arm. Troy probably changed the story from "This girl attacked me with her mind when I tried to murder a kid" to some blubbering lie that bullies like to tell when their victims fight back, but her demeanor suggests that she's been taken in by the misconception that her jerk son is a perfect angel for way too long. Stop your enabling, Mom.

5. Dr. Martin Brenner

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On the one hand, he's an evil mad scientist whose crimes have included abducting and experimenting on a child, unleashing hellish creatures from an alternate dimension on an unsuspecting small town, and generally being a pretty unscrupulous and shady guy.

On the other hand, he managed to give Eleven telekinetic powers and she seems perfectly happy with those. Wouldn't you want telekinetic powers?

4. Troy

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Why is Troy ranked higher than the mad doctor and a couple of literal monsters? Because screw bullies, that's why. He starts off as the kind of jerk who throws a few insults and taunts around, which is shitty but something bullies tend to grow out of once they get a little more mature.

But when you ruthlessly mock a classmate after he's been declared dead, threaten in all seriousness to remove someone's teeth with a knife, and demand that one of your bullying victims take a suicidal leap into a quarry, you're firmly in sociopath territory. Troy doesn't show up in Season 2, probably because his parents finally found his collection of tortured squirrels and sent him off to get electroshock therapy.

3. Connie Frazier

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Benny, the owner of a Hawkins diner, is an instantly likable character. He's angered when he sees Eleven sneaking some food out of his kitchen, but immediately grows kinder when he realizes that she's apparently escaped from a bad situation.

So it's pretty shocking and saddening when Benny's attempt to get Eleven help ends up getting him murdered by Connie Frazier, who poses as a social services worker and before abruptly shooting him.   She later manages to manipulate the boys' biology teacher in her hunt for Eleven, and you're left worrying that the teacher won't make it out alive, either. Frazier is cold, manipulative, and dangerous, so it's pretty satisfying when Eleven telekinetically takes her out.

2. The Mind Flayer

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I've given the other creatures from the Upside Down a bit of a pass, since they kind of come off as dumb animals. The Mind Flayer is something else entirely, acting as a sort of hive mind who can control the other creatures and infect people to use for its own purposes, which would seem to entail taking over our world. Yeah, the giant smoke spider is pretty bad. But it's still outdone by...

1. Stacey

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We see Stacey in one scene, at the very end of the second season, in which she rudely turns down Dustin's request to dance. Everyone loves Dustin, so I don't have much patience for someone whose actions (combined with some similarly hostile girls, admittedly) leave him fighting back tears on the bleachers. Especially when that person is so very full of herself.

Stacey, you're worse than the bullies, evil government agents, and monsters from another realm we meet in the show. Think about that while you're on the long, steady downward slope from your peak in middle school.

Bike and Brew: These Guys Brewing Company and Epicure Brewing

For the first time, we're heading north.

I don't even mean for the first time in this Bike and Brew series, although that's also true. Since I've started biking in the region, I've found plenty of interesting routes to the west and east of New London as well as a beautiful ride to the south after hopping a ferry. But I've never made a straight shot north from the city.

Why not?

That's why not.

This is a look at where I-95 passes through the northern part of New London and vomits out a bunch of frontage roads and off-ramps and such. There's not really an easy way to get through this whole mess on two wheels. But I wanted to pay a visit to two breweries in Norwich, so I would have to find a way.

At first, the route to the north is quite pleasant. A quick detour off the Old Norwich Road brings you to the Lyman Allyn Art Museum, a gorgeous building with plenty of rotating exhibits and free admission for New London residents. This is located a stone's throw from Connecticut College, one of three college campuses in the city.

Unfortunately, the former New London to Norwich road rather quickly merges with Route 32. This provides a straight shot up to the latter city, and it has a decent breakdown lane, but it also serves as something of an impromptu highway. It's two lanes with a speed limit of 55; people are more likely to cruise along at 70, right on each other's bumpers. I preferred to stay away from this type of traffic and meet up with Route 32 later.

That meant taking some back roads through the town of Montville and, well, it wasn't the most scenic of routes.

I mentioned Montville in my ride to the Fox Farm Brewery, noting how it's made up of a lot of little villages and no easy way to get from Point A to Point B within the town. That was the case here, as I wound up doglegging over several secluded roads and drifting westward as I pedaled my way north.

Montville has a fair amount of industrial sites. One road that served as a bit of a shortcut essentially carved its way through a massive scrapyard. The photo above is of Rand Whitney Containerboard, a factory which makes packaging materials.

I was a bit worried when the suggested route went over three roads with "hill" in their name. Lynch Hill Road did indeed prove a bit too steep for my leg muscles and limited gears, forcing me to walk for a bit. But Raymond Hill Road was flatter and offered this pleasant view of the emerging fall foliage.

Unfortunately, this area was also a dumping ground for passing rednecks, good ol' boys, frat bros, or what-have-you to toss out their Fireball nips and cans of crappy beer. I know, I shouldn't judge people for drinking the cheaper domestic stuff. But it can be a little hard when Coors and Bud and Busch cans contribute so much to roadside litter. Say what you will about hipster craft beer drinkers, but they're not going to pitch their growlers and mug club vessels out the side of a moving vehicle.

The hill on Fitch Hill Road worked in my favor, giving me an easy downhill coast back to an intersection with a quieter section of Route 32.

Ah, it seems the Combine have established one of their Citadels in Montville.

No, that's actually the Mohegan Sun resort casino, run by the Mohegan tribe. In plotting out this route, I considered it the last bad intersection I wanted to avoid before hopping onto Route 32. Once I was past the flow of motorized gamblers, it was a fairly short trip into Norwich.

Norwich and New London share a few similarities. They're both larger cities in the more rural environs of eastern Connecticut; Norwich is considerably bigger in area and population, with more than four times as much land area and about 13,000 more people than New London. They've both seen better days and are trying to revitalize their downtown areas. Both tend to be looked down on by their whiter, richer suburban neighbors. Both have made some steps toward bringing in some interesting attractions and making the city an interesting place to visit.

New London and Norwich also sometimes seem like they're fighting each other a bit. My wife, who had been living in one of Norwich's outlying villages when we first met, had a date with me in New London a few months after we met to check out its downtown food stroll. When she mentioned this to a friend, she was surprised that they gave her a dire warning about going to New London at night. She'd formerly lived in downtown Norwich and known it was fighting the misconception that it was a seedy and dangerous place, so she was surprised that Norwich folks would be casting the same aspersions on New London.

Maybe it has something to do with the two cities having the same goal of bringing more businesses and attractions to their downtown areas, so some people might think denigrating the other city will help their own. Or maybe it's because Norwich and New London have the oldest high school football rivalry in the United States. Or because New London is never going to let Norwich forget that Benedict Arnold is one of their native sons, and that he led the British in a raid that burned down New London during the Revolutionary War.

One of the big draws of Norwich is its architecture. There are a lot of attractive structures around downtown, including this giant brick and granite pile of a city hall. This was completed in 1873, back in the more industrial days of the city, and continues to be the most prominent building in downtown.

I extended my ride to circle around the outskirts of Norwich and visit a few notable sites in the city. Another good example of the impressive architecture in the city is Norwich Free Academy, a public high school serving Norwich and the surrounding area. It's a campus style museum, and an expansive art museum is included in the turreted Slater Building.

The suggested route to get to NFA took me past a small park I was unaware existed in Norwich. This shows up on the map as simply "Native American Monuments," and it's a small memorial set up on a former Mohegan burial ground. I didn't realize until later that there's a larger monument to the first Mohegan sachem, Uncas, located around the corner.

Norwich is also the home to Mohegan Park. This is a rather vast park for a small city, encompassing 360 acres with the recent addition of 85 more. There are several miles of trails through wooded areas, a pleasant pond, a pavilion, gazebo, playgrounds, the works.

The pond in the park also contributed to a major disaster, unfortunately. In 1963, the earthen pond holding back Spaulding Pond collapsed after a few days of steady rain. Millions of gallons of water rushed into downtown, killing five people. A small memorial at the dam commemorates the tragedy and lists the names of those who lost their lives.

From Mohegan Park, it's an easy downhill ride back into downtown Norwich. There are several examples of beautiful architecture here, but unfortunately many of these buildings are vacant or derelict. Main Street is fairly short and largely empty, aside from a few restaurants which have managed to carve a foothold. A Social Security office takes up quite a bit of space as well.

There's a massive abandoned textile mill in the downtown area within sight of City Hall. Across the street, four barber shops and hair salons are somehow surviving right next door to each other.

But from this area, you can also spot a building that's been converted into artists' apartments as well as a performance space called the Chestnut Street Playhouse. And you just need to turn around when standing in front of the old mill to see a miniature millennial district: two breweries and a co-working space called Foundry 66.

After chaining up my bike, I paid a visit to the first brewery. These Guys Brewing opened in 2015, replacing a bar that abruptly closed after the owners divorced. The brewery did a complete renovation of the interior, creating a beautiful rustic mixture of wood, brick, and copper. The owners say the spot has been used as a saloon since 1883, and they revel in the fact that it apparently saw no slowdown in business during Prohibition and kept going as a bootlegging venue.

These Guys might qualify more as a brewpub, in that they have an extensive food menu to go with their beers. It was around lunchtime when I stopped in, so I ordered a bowl of corn and clam chowder - my two favorite chowders together in one bowl, with slab bacon to boot! About halfway through I realized that a thick milky chowder might not be the best thing to go with a long bike ride, but thankfully it didn't end up producing any ill effects.

I wound up getting a flight of four beers from These Guys. I gave the best marks to the NarWitch, a tasty pumpkin brew with a high ABV. I also liked the flavor on the Thames River Red, complemented the balance of The 1942 (although it wasn't as hoppy as I expected for an IPA) and thought the White Anniversary Ale was a decent light beer with a nice crisp finish.

A brief walk down the street took me to Epicure Brewing. It's one of the newest breweries in Connecticut, opening in June as a collaboration of six owners. It's located within the old press room of the Norwich Bulletin which, like many newspapers these days, has outsourced its daily printing operations and moved to smaller quarters.

Epicure makes good use of the lofty space, bringing in large paintings and other artwork to decorate the walls. One of the most striking features is a charred homebrewing system suspended over the main entrance and bathed in fuchsia light. The tanks were pulled from the ruins of the home of head brewer Ken Thiffeault and his wife Kerrie after a lightning strike burned it down.

The brewery's logo and table are hexagon-shaped in recognition of the six-owner dynamic, and this dynamic seems to extend to the beer offerings as well. A pint goes for $6, and flights are particularly generous: six beers (served in a muffin tin) for $12. I didn't think it was a good idea to have a second flight before the ride home, so I went with a pint of Lightning Strikes Twice.

This oatmeal stout is named for the incident described above, since the Thiffeault's home has already been struck by lightning once before it was destroyed. It's a good solid dark beer, one I'd highly recommend to anyone who stops by Epicure.

For the return journey, I opted to take the straight shot back down Route 32. It was the fastest way home, and it seemed like the southern route would avoid the dangerous intersections a bicyclist would encounter going north.

As happens on these trips, unfortunately, I soon found myself fatigued by the rolling hills, opposing winds, and fairly full stomach. Route 32 also had some dicey spots. I was particularly annoyed to find that there was practically no shoulder in the area around Mohegan Sun; many of the casino's employees walk to work, so it seemed pretty unconscionable that the road layout there would make virtually no concessions to pedestrians or bicyclists.

Route 32 isn't the most scenic of roads. It's basically one long commercial corridor, jammed full of small business parks, retailers, restaurants, and strip malls. Thankfully, it usually had a pretty generous shoulder.

Just before I got back into New London, I remembered that there was one extremely dangerous intersection that I had forgotten about. An exit from I-395 directs traffic onto a two-lane portion of Route 32, which means that cars shoot into this merge at freeway speeds and don't slow down unless they hit a traffic light. Thankfully, there was enough room to check for oncoming traffic, get to the shoulder, and get off on a more sedate road for the last mile or so home.

Edging out the distance on the Beer'd Brewing Company trip by about half a mile, this proved to be my longest Bike and Brew yet.

Total mileage: 31.81 miles

Previous Bike and Brew Outings:
Outer Light Brewing Company
Beer'd Brewing Company
Fox Farm Brewery
Shelter Island Craft Brewery and Greenport Harbor Brewing Company
Barley Head Brewery

I Make Fun of State Quarters: Illinois

All right, Illinois, do your worst. What have you got? Is it the oh-so-original approach of combining the state motto with the state bird, and maybe adding the state bird if there's room? Is it a vista of Lake Michigan and the phrase, "We have waves, too, when it's not frozen"? Let's see it.

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Words. Should have brought...a poet.

All right, it's not perfect. There's that awkward phrasing where they say they're the 21st state in the 21st century, but it looks more like "century" has been left over as a Mint typo. There's that weird little dribble at the bottom of the Illinois outline, as if the state is trying to claim a few beachheads in Kentucky.

But still, after scrutinizing quarters whose designs range from Deep South states celebrating Socialist icons to giant birds that will kill us all, it kind of floors you to see a quarter that condenses all of its key identities into an inch-wide piece of currency, and does it right.

What comes to mind when you think of Illinois? Odds are it's Chicago and Abraham Lincoln. The city is one of the most populous in the country, and Lincoln is widely considered one of the best Presidents, if not the best.

Chicago is, of course, represented by the Sears Tower. Yes, I know it's supposed to be the Willis Tower now. But for one thing, it was still the Sears Tower when this quarter debuted. Also, no one wants to call the iconic building by the name slapped onto it by an insurance broker that bought office space for a song during the Great Recession and picked up the naming rights for free. Chicagoans responded with a rousing, "Yeah sure, we'll call it that when the Cubbies win the friggin' World Series," and then kept calling it the Sears Tower anyway.

The Coleman Tower in New York keeps annoying the Willis Tower by demanding to know what it's talking about. (Source)

It's always a little annoying to see companies buy the naming rights for something because they think it will improve their brand. In some cases, it can lead to outright loathing of the company. Around the same time the Willis Group was picking up the naming rights for the Sears Tower, the new stadium for the New York Mets was being renamed from Shea Stadium to Citi Field, after Citigroup. It was subsequently nicknamed "Sorry We Screwed The Entire Economy But Still Got A Bailout" Ballpark.

To be fair, though, the Sears Tower name is an early example of this trend. There's also the fact that the retailer left the building way back in 1988, although it kept the naming rights for awhile. The Willis Group has since sold the skyscraper, but is shelling out $1 million a year for the right to retain the name and have everyone ignore it and call the building the Sears Tower. But a new name could come when the rights expire in 2025.

On to young strapping Abe Lincoln.

Honest Abe was born in Kentucky, but spent the formative years of his legal and political career in Illinois before he was elected President. And besides, Kentucky had probably already ceded any claim on a Lincoln quarter in favor of portraying a famous horsey race.

So this would be the third piece of currency to feature Lincoln, after the penny and the five dollar bill. I could have sworn that the update to the U.S. currency designs included upgrading the handsomeness of the presidents, but the only thing searches on this topic revealed was a disturbing amount of sites ranking the commanders-in-chief by hotness.

That said, the Lincoln on this quarter is pretty damn good looking. Kudos to the design for making him rather muscular, which is historically accurate considering that Lincoln the rail-splitter was incredibly strong. His feat of holding an axe at arm's length between a thumb and forefinger seems mundane until you try it at Home Depot and have to give up before a sales associate can even yell at you. He also wrestled for sport, and responded to a brawl at one political rally by giving an agitator who was about to attack a friend the old heave-ho.

Kudos also for the face not only being recognizable as Lincoln, but also as a Lincoln who is striding toward his future with an expression of complete badassery. He's like some kind of 19th century John McClane.

You know all those lame Chuck Norris jokes that have faded away as Chuck Norris closes in on 80? I think we can safely reassign them to Illinois State Quarter Lincoln. This guy sees the rabble-rousing of a bunch of slave-owning plantation masters in the South, and with a single look he says, "Bring it on."

So we've got two decent state symbols in a row. It's like two bars on the slot machine. Come on, one more and we get the jackpot!

FREAKIN' CHERRY.

All right, fine. This is actually a decent way to encapsulate another aspect of the Illinois identity. Illinois ranks right smack in the middle in the ranking of states by land area, and Chicago is the only city in the state with more than a million people. The rest of the state is crammed full of farms.

According to the Illinois Department of Agriculture, the state is the nation's top producer of pumpkins. It's also a leading producer of corn, pigs, and soybeans, with significant production of wheat and hay and...

You know, let's just cut it off there. Forgive me for not finding the Illinois sorghum crop as interesting as one of the world's tallest skyscrapers and Sexy Abe Lincoln.