(Source)
Trump rallies are ridiculous.
Look, I know people who are supporters of President Trump for one reason or another. They think other countries have been taking advantage of the United States and he's pushing back against that, or that he's trying to improve federal spending, or whatever. Most of them acknowledge Trump's less than affable public personality, but usually say something along the lines of "Yeah, he's kind of an asshole but I think he's done a good job with XYZ."
I don't really agree with these sentiments, but I try my best to listen to opposing viewpoints. Given that conservatives were frothing at the mouth to attack President Obama for any possible misstep ("He asked for Dijon mustard on his burger, like a Frenchman?!?"), it's not really a good look to go after Trump for his fish feeding abilities...especially when there's plenty of personal quirks and policy to criticize. And I think most if not all of the more levelheaded folks who voted for Trump do the same thing; they may be rooted pretty strongly in an ideology, but are willing to consider opposing viewpoints.
But the people who attend Trump rallies? Yeah, I don't think they fall into this category. Because these rallies just seem to attract some pretty awful people.
I mean, what else would you expect when you give a blatantly obvious narcissist in perpetual need of self-reassurance a lectern and a microphone, and invite a crowd to indulge him in the idea that he's the greatest human to walk the earth? And hey, why not have said narcissist rail on about how people who criticize him are enemies of the country, since the impressionable people at the rally will lap it up and go into a proud, frenzied, public demonstration of the worst aspects of their personality? So the shining examples of humanity these rallies feature front and center include QAnon morons, neo-Confederates, people who harass reporters, and other very fine people who get offended when they're called deplorable.
Given that Trump never actually stopped holding these horrible events, and that he's officially declared his re-election bid for 2020, we're obviously going to see more of them in the next 16 months. In the meantime, the Democrats have 25 possible candidates to run against him, and the one they settle on will inevitably be subject to whatever jibes and effigies and other nonsense at the Trump rallies.
And since people have been having fun creating lists of "Democratic Candidates as...," I thought I'd make one about how you could identify the likely candidate based on the reaction at one of Trump's ego boosters in the midsummer of 2020:
Joe Biden
Seeking to capitalize on Trump's "Sleepy Joe" nickname, the rallies hand out free nightcaps for attendees. The crowd of angry people wearing white caps ends up looking like something else.
Bernie Sanders
After Trump denounces Bernie's "socialized socialist socialism," rally attendees are inspired to torch their Social Security cards, driver's licenses, library cards, Medicare cards, and any other forms issued by a local, state, or federal government. Fire departments supported by local taxes respond to a burning arena after the flaming ID cards inadvertently ignite a Confederate flag someone has proudly displayed at the rally.
Elizabeth Warren
Rally attendees pretending to be offended by Warren's dubious claims of Native American ancestry respond to every single one of Trump's "Pocahontas" remarks by erupting into tomahawk chops and war whoops.
Cory Booker, Julian Castro, Kamala Harris, or Wayne Messam
Pretty much just blatant racism.
Pete Buttigieg
Pretty much just blatant homophobia.
Kirsten Gillibrand
Confused by Gillibrand's vague resemblance to a younger Hillary Clinton, Trump frequently slips up and yells about e-mails and crookedness. The crowd doesn't bother to correct him and obediently erupts into cheers of "Lock her up!"
Andrew Yang
In order to criticize Yang's proposal of a universal basic income, rally organizer hand out "cash guns" to make it rain with fake money. Trump officials collect the counterfeit bills at the end of each rally and try to use them to pay off subcontractors jilted by Trump.
Beto O'Rourke
Having already tested out his flailing arm mockery, Trump thrashes his arms around in an exaggerated imitation of O'Rourke's mannerisms; it's the most exercise he's gotten in years.
Jay Inslee
Rally that would have made fun of Inslee for making climate change his central issue when it's still kind of cold in winter in some places is canceled after Florida is obliterated by Superstorm Geoffrey.
Amy Klobuchar
As a gimmick to highlight accusations that Klobuchar is a mean boss, rally organizers hand out binders and other office supplies to throw whenever Trump references these allegations. Many are injured.
John Hickenlooper
Trump takes the lazy route and nicknames his opponent "Loopy Hickenlooper." He also decides to contest Hickenlooper's record on brewing beer by founding the Trump Brewing Company and inviting rally attendees to find it at the cash bar or their local package store to outsell Hickenlooper's Wynkoop Brewing products. Attendees happily answer the call but give up after one six-pack after realizing that the beer is absolute crap; Trump Brewing fails within a month.
Tim Ryan
Trump goes on at length about how stupid Ohio voters must be to choose someone like Tim Ryan as their representative while his handlers desperately try to signal him to stop.
Tulsi Gabbard
Attendees start coming to rallies dressed up like Moana and Maui, and burst into impromptu renditions of "You're Welcome" whenever Trump brags about his purported accomplishments. Disney brings the legal hammer down on each and every person who does this with a lawsuit for unlicensed use of copyrighted material.
Steve Bullock
Trump mocks Bullock by making some remark about how Montana is the site of Little Bighorn, site of a notorious defeat of American armed forces by Native Americans. Rally attendees immediately accept his claim that he would have won the battle and Bullock would have rolled over for the Sioux.
Bill de Blasio
A vehemently anti-New York City theme builds from rally to rally, with attendees' insults toward the metropolis and its residents growing more and more intense. Trump, a lifelong New Yorker, finally snaps somewhere in the Midwest and calls the crowd a "bunch of losers meting out a sad existence in some meth-encrusted flyover shithole." Trump rally attendees are finally shocked by something Trump says.
Seth Moulton
As a rebuttal to Moulton's military service, Trump brags about how great a soldier he would have been in Vietnam if he had actually gone there. The crowd starts dressing like the cast of Hocus Pocus after realizing that Moulton represents Salem, Massachusetts.
Eric Swalwell
As a dig at Swalwell's central issue of addressing gun violence, Trump rallies begin inviting people to bring their firearms to the rallies and show that they can handle them responsibly. The rallies average 26 people accidentally shot per event as well as approximately 863 bullets shot into arena ceilings during the celebratory gunfire that follows a Trump insult.
[Posted just hours before learning that this scenario will not happen]
Joe Sestak
If Sestak gets the nomination, Trump would be going up against a likable former Navy admiral with a solid record but little name recognition as of yet. Trump rallies will feature the President completely ignoring Sestak in favor of yelling about Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.
Michael Bennett
Born in New Delhi, India, Michael Bennett is the only Democratic candidate who could maybe merit a "birther" scandal. But he doesn't "look Indian" and he's a senator from Colorado, so Trump instead spends most of the rally making bad jokes about marijuana.
Mike Gravel
Trump mocks Mike Gravel's bizarre 2008 presidential campaign ad where he stares at the camera for awhile and then throws a rock into a pond. Rally attendees start to respond by bringing in their own large stones and chucking them whenever he makes this reference. Many are injured.
Marianne Williamson
Trump settles on "Moonbeam Marianne" for his nickname, though most Democrats are using this as well. Rally attendees buy crystals and dreamcatchers, both to make fun of them and because their horoscope told them they would try a new experience today.
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